Jason Black plays the piano in some rather less-than-efficient positions…
This list is possibly not safe for work. The penis. Without it, none of us would be here. It has been the source of pleasure and pain since time began and controversy in modern history. This list takes a look at ten of the most famous penises through history – both factual and fictional. Be sure to add your own “favorite” penis to the comments (so to speak).
Juan “lucky” Baptista dos Santos has appeared on a previous list here, but no one will disagree that his appearance on this list is essential. He may not be famous the whole world over but he is certainly famous with the millions of people that have read Listverse. Juan Baptista dos Santos was born in Portugal around 1843 in the town of Faro. As a child, Juan was considered quite handsome, fit and well proportioned – except for the two distinct penises and third leg he possessed. Santos’ third leg was actually two legs which were fused together and while it lacked motor control, it could be moved freely by hand. Both penises functioned perfectly. An 1865 report stated that Santos used both penises during intercourse and, after finishing with one he would continue with the other. It also stated that he had a ravenous sexual appetite.
It is rare that a German book generates any interest in the United States. And children’s books are usually completely off the radar. So it came as quite a surprise to many when the huge scandal arose over the German children’s book by Rotraut Susanne Berner. A request was made for a US publishing house to print English translations of the book for distribution in the US – and then the shit hit the fan: “It was really a sensation,” said Berner, “At first. As it turned out, there were a couple of changes that had to be made before the books could be unleashed on the America public. First off, smokers had to be removed from the illustrations. But that wasn’t all. One image shows a scene from an art gallery — and for realism’s sake, there is a cartoonish nude hanging on the wall along with a tiny, seven-millimeter-tall statue of a naked man on a pedestal.” The publisher said: “American kiddies, obviously, could never be expected to handle such a depiction of the human body.” The series, which playfully follows the daily life of children and adults through the four seasons, is already a bestseller in 13 countries from Japan to the Faroe Islands. The United States is the only country to kick up a stink and the books are still unpublished there.
Boogie Nights is a 1997 American drama film written and directed by Paul Thomas Anderson. Set in Southern California in the late 1970s and early 1980s, during the Golden Age of Porn, the screenplay focuses on a young nightclub dishwasher (Dirk Diggler) who becomes the popular star of pornographic films and finds himself slowly descending into a nightmare of drug abuse when his fame draws him into a crowd of users and abusers. Dirk’s success in the porn industry is due to his enormous manhood which is frequently referred to throughout the film but only shown in the last scene. This is essentially a film about Dirk’s penis but it does everything possible to conceal it from the viewers.
Everyone knows Bart Simpson from the popular cartoon series “The Simpsons”. In the The Simpsons Movie, viewers of all ages (due to the low rating) were surprised to see a full-frontal image of a naked, skateboarding Bart. Its inclusion was surprising considering number nine on this list. The scene involves Bart eagerly accepting Homer’s dare to skateboard at high speed to Krusty Burger, stark naked. After a series of fortuitous cover-ups, there is a fleeting glimpse of the 10-year-old’s modest, but distinctly yellow, penis. Fortunately audiences around the world took it for what it was: a humorous drawing.
What is this? A woman on a list of penises? Well, Lili Elbe happens to be the first documented case of a transexual. Einar Wegener (born in Denmark) was a leading artist in late 1920’s Paris. One day his wife Grete asked him to dress as a woman to model for a portrait. It was a shattering event which began a struggle between his public male persona and emergent female self, Lili. Einar underwent a series of experimental operations in which his penis was removed. The surgeon attempted to implant ovaries and a uterus but was unsucessful. When the experimentation was finally over, Einar became Lili Elbe. The government annulled her marriage and she even managed to get a new birth certificate listing her as a female. Quite extraordinary for the times.
The Catholic feast of the circumcision is considered so important that on the 1st of January every year, all Catholics in the world are obliged to attend Mass under pain of mortal sin. The feast remembers the Biblical tale in which Jesus was taken to the temple to be circumcised. It is considered by many to be the first moment that Jesus bled which is significant for those who consider that his blood gave man redemption. The actual account of the circumcision can be read in Luke 2:21.
Grigori Rasputin (1869–1916) was a Russian mystic believed by some to be a psychic and faith healer having supernatural powers. He was seen as having greatly influenced the later days of Russian Tsar Nicholas II and his wife the Tsaritsa Alexandra. When Rasputin was murdered by a group of noblemen in 1916, some accounts say he was also sexually mutilated and his penis was severed. Since then, a number of people claiming to be in possession of his severed penis have come forth, although none of them have been able to prove it definitively. Witnessed described the penis thus:
One woman confessed that the first time she made love to him her orgasm was so violent that she fainted. Perhaps his potency as a lover also had a physical explanation. Rasputin’s assassin and alleged homosexual lover, Felix Yusopov, claimed that his prowess was explained by a large wart strategically situated on his penis, which was of exceptional size.
John Wayne Bobbitt’s penis became so famous when his wife cut it off, that it spawned a new verb: “to bobbitt: to cut off a person’s penis”. On the night of June 23, 1993, John Wayne Bobbitt arrived at the couple’s Manassas, Virginia apartment highly intoxicated after a night of partying and, according to testimony by Lorena Bobbit in a 1994 court hearing, raped his wife. Afterwards, Lorena Bobbitt got out of bed and went to the kitchen for a drink of water. In the kitchen she noticed a carving knife on the counter and “memories of past domestic abuses raced through her head.” Grabbing the knife, Lorena Bobbit entered the bedroom where John was asleep; and she proceeded to cut off more than half of his penis which she fled with and proceeded to toss into a field. It was later recovered and re-attached and John went on to star in a number of extremely tacky porn movies.
John Curtis Holmes (August 8, 1944 – March 13, 1988) better known as John C. Holmes or Johnny Wadd, was one of the most prolific male porn stars of all time, appearing in about 2,500 adult loops, stag films, and pornographic feature movies in the 1970s and 1980s. He was best known for his exceptionally large penis, which was heavily promoted as being the longest in the porn industry, although no definitive evidence of Holmes’ actual penis length exists. Holmes’ first wife recalled him claiming to be 10 inches (25.4 cm) when he first measured himself. Holmes himself once claimed his penis to be fifteen inches (38.1 cm) long and his manager said: “I saw John measure himself several times, it was 13 and a half inches” (34.3 cm). Another longstanding controversy regards whether or not Holmes ever achieved a full erection. A popular joke in the 1970s porn industry held that Holmes was incapable of achieving a full erection because the blood flow from his head into his penis would cause him to pass out. Holmes’ co-stars have stated that his penis was never particularly hard during intercourse, likening it to “doing it with a big, soft kind of loofah.”
This is perhaps the most viewed penis in all of history. When the Victorians ran about cutting penises off statues for reasons of propriety, David fortunately survived mutilation, but the cast of David at the South Kensington Museum (now the Victoria and Albert Museum), had a detachable plaster fig leaf, added for visits by Queen Victoria and other important ladies, when it was hung on the figure using two strategically placed hooks; it is now displayed nearby. David is a masterpiece of Renaissance sculpture sculpted by Michelangelo from 1501 to 1504. The 5.17 meter (17 ft) marble statue portrays the Biblical King David in the nude. Unlike previous depictions of David which portray the hero after his victory over Goliath, Michelangelo chose to represent David before the fight contemplating the battle yet to come. Commentators have noted David’s apparently uncircumcised form, which is at odds with Judaic practice, but is considered consistent with the conventions of Renaissance art.
This is a bonus item as the penis belongs to an animal not a human. Kenneth Pinyan (June 22, 1960 – July 2, 2005) was a Boeing engineer residing in Washington who engaged in receptive anal sex with full-size stallions at a farm near the city of Enumclaw. He videotaped those sex acts and distributed them informally under the name Mr Hands. During a July 2005 sex act, videotaped by a friend, he suffered a perforated colon and later died of his injuries. Killed by a horse’s penis: fail.
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